youre lurking in front of me
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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