this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
