She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
