If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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