Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
