I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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