My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
