is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
