I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
