Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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