Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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