A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
That's intense
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
