i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
