It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
