My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
