Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
You're completely useless in the revolution.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
