I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
It's rum buckets o'clock
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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