Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
