life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
