I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
