i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
