Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
