I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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