At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
