Christians are straight up FREAKS
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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