You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Randomize
