how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
