i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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