Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
