He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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