and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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