evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
