So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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