Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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