Hey man sorry I got all grabby
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
