zippers are such a cool invention
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
