Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
