just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
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