I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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