Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
