Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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