Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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