somebody snuck up and got me drunk
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
