pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
