my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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