In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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