I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
