I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
So here I am, sexting at work.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
