Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
