I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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