Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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